my memories
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hello blog =)
Long time since I've seen you or looked back at my old entries.
Never realised I could write like that
Looks like I've learnt quite a bit too
Matured?
Wiser?
Calmer?
Maybe.
So I did rant alot about my Christian walk. Now looking back, it's really interesting, and I thank God for sustaining me through those trying times.
What really happened? No that can wait. I'll tell you why I revived this blog.
I guess through my trying times and this blog, God has used it to bless others, to help them understand the Christian walk better. It is of no credit to me because I'm merely an instrument of Christ. Glad that God has given me the privelege of being His instrument. Thank you Lord!
So what really happened?
I realised that being a christian was more than just going to church every sunday, singing hillsongs, getting high (so called filled with the Holy Spirit) and then spending all my time, energy in church and neglecting everything else. In short, being radical for Jesus. In fact, I would say, Christian walk isnt! I couldn't understand it when I first left el. It just felt wrong to go back, or to be near anyone like the people there.
I hated everything that had to do with being so-called radical for God. Why? The question was: if we talk about being radical for Jesus in the way that I was shown in the past, then how does it apply to everyday life? Mundane life? I seldom or rather had no what they called, encounters with God. It was also distressing because it seemed that everyone was kinda trying to seek after encounters with God, to experience God, show that God was with them. To me, the way they chased after those stuff it was no different from chasing fame, riches, etc. I had a problem with the way they tried to make themselves more like hillsongs. It's alright to want to improve the standard but it seemed more like trying to improve so as to impress people, make themselves a name, look like those famous american churches. If we needed to put in such stuff to keep people, what's the point? Is this what a church should be doing?
Also, I felt as though my faith in God was dependant on my friends. When they were down, I also stumbled. When they were high, I was high. When they left, I was devastated. When they changed, I withdrew.
So I left the church, went into a christian school, saw alot of stuff similar to what I just left and was ANGSTY. LOL hahaha. yups angsty. I'm sorry to all the people I gave quite a hell to. muahahaha..how I must have seriously questioned you guys and put you all in a spot. I wa going through this rough patch. What consisted of this rought patch? Alot. I felt that because of the way the church and peeople were heading, even the Christian faith seemed hopeless. But inside me I was struggling with this because I knew God is not determined by the church. How then to keep your faith without falling for such stuff? Was I wrong to critisize the church and the people for what i mentioned in the earlier 2 paragraphs? What if the Christian walk was really as such? I wouldn't be able to stand it! What was life all about then? What was the meaning of life? I wasn't doing well in studies. So what even if i were? I could achieve everything, but at the end still have to die. I know there's heaven but will I even make it in there? Was I holy enough? What made me holy? How do I walk the christian walk? Everyday life? What is the fine line having accepted Christ and not? So was I really a christian?? And what about my ownself? I'm so imperfect, lousy for that matter. No body really wanted me, I felt, no one truly cared. Where was God?
MUAHAHAHA
if you find the above going in circles, that was exactly what happened to me. I went in circles. Questioning, crying, asking, searching for answers. I needed to be alone. I needed to reconcile with myself.
So after a long time, i did that. But come A levels, school stopped. I began to come out of these circles and see how people worked. With God's blessing of Jeremy, I reconciled with myself.
Now looking back, God has blessed me. Truly. I was searching for an answer as to how to live the everyday mundane life. He has answered it by putting me in a (soon-to-be) profession where I will deal with everyday life. How should we worship God then? We can be radical for God, but I don't mean you start jumping and screaming each time you hear His name. hahaha. We can honour God through living each day right. In whatever we do, to do it well and in honour of God. Even if we make mistakes, we need to reconcile with God. I struggle with sin too, it's difficult sometimes to admit. But God is good. And my profession will help me find ways to honour God more everyday because everyday I will be helping others! And I can do it for God!
And He has equipped me just right for it. I'm no glam gurl. In fact, I'm chor lor, noisy. He has taught me the importance of nodding my head, looking people in the eyes, being warm, listening though they still need to be improved! I always lamented why God didn't give me abilities, talents, beauty (well sometimes I still do) but it was never expected that abilities would come in the form of nodding my head, listening, looking people in the eyes! I also always lamented that I couldn't do alot of stuff that I really wanted to do and that I hated 9-5 sit-at-the-desk jobs! RAWR! But God is great! This course and soon to be profession will be the opposite. Challenging, with many obstacles, sticky maybe, but God is wonderful. He doesn't give you more or less than what you need. It's just right. Just right.
I pray that God will keep me humble even as I type this post. I hope that I'm truly doing this post in humility so that God will be glorified, and others can benefit. Do not credit me, please. Thank the One above. =)
lots of love,
charms
p.s. I study Occupational Therapy. Don't know what it is? Go check it out! Or ask me. I'll be more than happy to tell you. Let's just hope that my grades don't go down. THEY MUST GO UP ARRRHHH!!!
11:29 PM
the scent still lingers
10:24 PM
the scent still lingers
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
hippocrasy
the whole bunch of you
so much for being friends
so much for being leaders
weren't you taught that actions speaks louder than words?
you prove to be nothing of what you should be
you all have made me disillusioned
turned me away from the One
my stumbling blocks
and all you all can ask is how are you??
right.
to say i'm fine is a lie
to say i'm not fine is asking for pity
i want to do neither
so i'll ignore you
or else face my wrath.
don't come near me or i'll scream. stop being so spiritualget down to earthGod isn't just there to give you some floaty happy fluffy substanceless experience
maybe psalms could understand my anger
loneliness, frustration
perhaps king david felt the same way i did
i need someone who truly can empathise with me
not sympathise or pity
that is my pride, my arrogance
and one of my many flaws
i'm terribly flawed
is there no end to my mistakes, my blunders, my shortcomings?
do i have nothing that i'm good in?
why should anyone anyway value me?
or want me?
who cares?
don't tell me God cares
because you all don't truly care
you all are just saying things to make yourself feel better
so what's the meaning of life?
don't tell me some rot about the 5 purposes
i've heard that too many times, everything is cliche
i've heard so much that you all say
about some saccharine sweet so-called lesson or understanding of God
shallow
do you understand?
shallow
i've heard enough of cliches
i need something fresh
i know God is beyond these cliches
don't tell me otherwise
so why?
disillusioned
5:31 PM
the scent still lingers
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I'm rather lost and confused now. Demoralised too.. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's going on inside and that's confusing me..
I'm no longer that confident, cheery girl that I used to be..where has my optimism gone? :(
(no please. those who read my blog, don't comment on this post. I repeat DON'T. It's not what you say, I have to see it for myself. Thank you.)
10:56 PM
the scent still lingers
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I know there will be some of you who will be reading the entry skeptically and believe that I have become a bad egg. Rest assured that I am still a Christian. I'm attending a proper church. Worry not. I don't always have to be jumping up and down and yelling to be one do I?
I've decided that I want to calmly learn about Christ and understand His word. I want to calmly worship Him with all I am as well as full understanding of what I am singing and telling God. Why? Because if He were to come any time, I still want to have my senses. =) Yups. So stop judging please. Remember, it is the everyday living that matters to God. Not how we worship and preach. I'm learning to love Christ and the people around me again. I'm learning to unlearn how I judged people who didn't sing hillsongs or didn't show a hint of going crazy while yelling i love Christ. I want to learn what it is to be a real child of God!
11:22 PM
the scent still lingers
Today, though I was falling asleep during service, I did catch some important parts of Major Pascoe's message (with the help of some of mum's outline!). They made me do some thinking.
What I learnt today:
1. We do not need to fear because we have a wonderful God!
- He's mighty, and gracious. He's my Saviour, my Teacher, my Lord, my Friend.
2. Praising God
- It is not positive thinking
- It is not psyching ourselves about God
- Praise in our certain hope in Jesus
- Praise in our knowledge of Jesus
- Praise in the blessings He has lavished upon us.
3. Ephesians 1:17
- "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father may give you the Spririt of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better"
- Wisdom -> not something held in the mind. It is a life of humility, understanding the true nature of things. It is not like the wisdom of the world.
- Revelation -> God's revelation is like a spotlight to take away the darkness and sins of our lives and to help us to walk in the light.
- When we receive wisdom and revelation from God, it is to know Him better. When we begin to live a life of wisdom and revelation, we begin to know the Lord better!
Read from Ephesians 1:3-23 - Knowing Jesus better
My musings for the day:
1. What is faith?
- It means faithfulness to God
- It is loyalty to the Lord, Jesus Christ
- It is sticking with the Lord through thick and thin in all cirumstances
- It also means personal surrender to God.
- Intimacy with God is not about holy handouts. It is characterized by steadfast faithfulness.
2. What is prayer for?
- We pray to encourage each other and to show our sincerity to each other. We pray to let the person know that we will support him/her.
- It does not mean that when we pray, God will answer the prayer. (that would be like superstition - you must do this, then you will get what you want or you mustn't do this, or that will happen to you)
- We are not praying so that we can show power. It will be like commanding God to show Himself. Who are we do that?!
3. The eyes of our heart.(Ephesians 1)
- "Heart" in Hebrew means the seeds of your mind (thoughts). It involves our emotions, our will and our deep mind.
3. Call
- Our call: to a particular destiny He has created for us. Destiny of love.
9:34 PM
the scent still lingers
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
sway lah..first time I'm late for school in 10 years. -_- it wasn't my fault!! AHH!
10:21 PM
the scent still lingers
Sunday, January 07, 2007
2007
a new year
a tough year
an emotional year
a nerve-wrecking year
a happy year
a romantic year
anymore to add before 2007 flies away just as 2006 did?
12:15 AM
the scent still lingers
There!
New layout!
:)
i like it
12:10 AM
the scent still lingers